Paterson Joseph

Paterson Joseph (born Ignatius Sancho) was universally agreed to be the greatest actor of all time. Fated to play the 11th 12th  13th 14th Doctor, he got his chance when Russell T. Davies returned to the show in 2023, as another Sancho character was well-known for making other men fall in love with him (TV: Peep Show) and this fit Davies' brief. Although he had already played two different characters in three different Doctor Who stories, by and large the fans welcomed him eagerly, though a certain contingent of schizos reacted with hostility.

Race
Sancho was a black man.

Early life
Sancho was born on the 22nd of June, 1964, which due to the passage of time has resulted in his becoming 57 years old as of writing. This would make him the oldest actor ever to assume the role of a canon Doctor, beating both William Hartnell and Peter Capaldi by two years. Luckily, this is hard to tell, as he is bald. Growing up, his favourite Doctor was Jon Pertwee, which may have inspired his stage name Pertwerson Jonseph (later simplified). After presumably going to school, Sancho would spend some years as a chef; he left this vocation after being repeatedly threatened with a level of ultraviolence that would "make JNT blush" by a corpulent newspaper columnist who never seemed satisfied with his pies. Instead, Sancho, now Jonseph, set his sights on the stage, where the pies would be thrown at him.

Career
To train for Doctor Who, Jonseph would join the Royal Shakespeare Company and cut his teeth in theatres all over England and New York City. Having permanently changed the way the world saw the characters of Othello, Oswald, Brutus and Ebenezer Scrooge, he then branched out into television, simplifying his stage name to make it easier on credit sequence interns. The general public became aware of Paterson Joseph after his breakout role in Peep Show (TV: Peep Show) as the smooth-talking business psychopath Alan Johnson. For some reason, hearing him call his subordinate a "turkeyfucker" and watching him bribe an unemployed man for sexual access to his girlfriend convinced the world that he absolutely had to be the next Doctor, once David Tennant's four year reign was over as prophesied. Encouraged by the alignment of the people's will with his own, Joseph went as far as offering his body to the new showrunner in return for becoming the 11th Doctor, only to go home ashamed when it turned out the depraved Scotsman could only get off to a sassy pin-up or haggard wine-aunt whore insulting him.

Indeed, he would be passed up again for the role of 12th Doctor. Finally his chance seemed near as Moffat and Capaldi announced their departures in 2017. Despite playing a police detective for two years to appeal to the new showrunner (TV: Law & Order: UK), he found himself passed over AGAIN, this time for a hole. Incensed at the disrespect both of these smug fat writing cats had shown to him, he left a rambling message on Chibnall's phone, savagely killed Kris Marshall and Noel Clarke with Venusian tai chi, and disappeared. "Women. I mean, does a balance sheet ever come crying and saying that it needs some time to think about things? A business doesn't say it loves you then run off with a buddy. I mean, take a look at her, mate. Take a good, hard look at her. What do you see? What do you actually see in her, compared to, say, a supermodel like Gisele? Or any of the other supermodels? Come on, look at her arse. Is that the best arse you're ever going to get? Do you stick on that arse? Come on, admit it. She's got a fat arse." Joseph on the casting of Whittaker, transcribed from call audio provided by Chris Chibnall for the definitive thinkpiece, "Chris Chibnall, A Modern Churchill".

Unbeknownst to all, during this disappearance, Joseph had actually returned to the set of That Mitchell and Web Look and stared into the heart of the Numberwang machine. Doing this briefly made him an omnipotent entity that scattered itself through time, accordingly rewriting history so that he appeared as a game show contestant in the two-part finale of Series 1, and also for good measure becoming "Victor Espinosa" in a 7th Doctor ear story. With this previous involvement in place, Joseph hoped to repeat the success stories of fanboy Doctors Tennant and Capaldi.

But Chibnall's mind was possessed of an extraordinarily incorrigible steel, and Joseph got more than he bargained for: in rewriting history, he accidentally drove Chibnall to, while keeping Jodie Whittaker, devise a backstory for her that involved based black pre-Hartnell incarnations. To repent for what he did to the canon of the Greatest Show in the Galaxy, Joseph remained in hiding for the next three years, training in a cave halfway up K2 to master the subtle gurning and monologuing proficiency required of a modern Doctor.

And as we know, it paid off. Chibnall and Moffat cursed, Russell rubbed his hands together in glee, and the audience cheered; they shouted; they fist pumped the air; they cried; they stood and cheered.

Doctor Who was saved. "More fool you, assholes." Press release addressed to Ollyfags, Lydiafags, Tentwofags, Sheenfags and T'Niafags on the eve of the announcement.

Fourteenth Doctor
The future of the role in Joseph's firm yet supple hands is uncertain. All we know is that the Doctor is black now, and that's a good thing.

Quotes
Joseph:

Here's my pitch: new era of Who, you and me. I'm the face, you're the, uh, tendons and the grisly shit under the surface. Whaddaya say?

Russell T. Davies:

Oh my God... I don't know. Really?

Joseph:

Look at you! You're like the fat girl who's just been asked to the school disco. "What this show needs is a kick up the arse so hard, my foot'll go right up its digestive tract and wiggle out of its mouth like a little leather tongue."