The Guff Bluff

"'Guff in the kitchen, 'guff on the roof, guff in my bum , guff on my boobies, even some guff on my screen. Wait...? What's this guff? Doctor, what the guff is going on? All I can hear is guff, there's even guff in the Guffdis! Guff guff guff guff! Who the guff is Jaremy Clarkson anyway?"- Romana in one of the less memorable quotes from The Guff Bluff, a rejected script written by Chiptogether Horatio Bigmac in the late 70s for the 4th Doctor and Romana (we don't know which one) and which served as a basis for his better known and story, Logopolis. It is notable for its remarkable capacity to fit in with the continuity of the Mister Blobby arc, particularly around Revenge of the Binges, going as far as featuring Jeremy Clarkson's namesake (though CHB consistently maintains that this was mere coincidence). The script was thought lost and consigned to the dustbin of history for a long while, but was eventually found in an actual dustbin in Lambeth. Many adaptations now exist, ranging from mobile shovelware games to full-blown interactive stage shows, all of varying levels of canonicity, i.e. zero.

Part I
The Doctor and Romana are flying the tardis through space. Romana accidentally brushes against the Doctor's penis, causing a sudden eruption of guff. They laugh it off and Romana even offers to clean it up with her tongue and they land on planet#3428, which is obsessed with transportation and is home to a young pre-Blobby Jeremy Clarkson. The Doctor has fun racing around in hovercars with romana until they encounter a patch of sticky guff mid-air which they spend the remainder of the episode trying to free themselves of. Drama is achieved by extracting the maximum amount of tension from Jeremy' eggshell dropping (his catchphrase had yet to be perfected)

Part II
More of the same. In fact, Bidmead even reuses the same cliffhanger to even lesser effect. No-one seems to notice that the Doctor and Romana have nearly nothing to do with the plot on-planet (involving some kind of speed limit dispute), a syndrome that would come to haunt Doctor Who in the future.

Part III
Guff has now reached critical levels in the universe. Over three quarters of the world have been enguffed in it. The doctor must now race against the clock to save the universe or become guff himself. Thankfully he has racing genius Jeremy Clarkson by his side and Romana to do the boring fiddly bits.

Nothing much happens here either but this is probably the best part due to the sheer horror atmosphere of the doctor and co gliding through the eerie guffiness of the guffworld. At least it would be if the episode had ever made it to screen.

Part IV
Woohoo! The doctor has saved the day! But the damage has still been done. Guff everywhere has now been replaced by Claptrap. Will the TARDIS team be consumed? The Doctor has other ideas! He realizes that all clptrap has a unique temporal pattern and that all he needs to do is go back to the origin of this pattern and unravel it from there, and just retrun the universe to its previous state! Just a few long calculations and hey presto.

This is really where Chris Bidmead's weaknesses show. No doubt the doctor and romana probably pored over these calculations for weeks in the tardis while jezza became increasingly bored, but CHB really took the show don't tell mantra to heart and showed the computing process for well over 1,000 pages. Perhaps he was counting on the viwere getting bored and falling asleep before reaching the end and being able to cop out of a satisfying resolution.

Production
Bidmead was commissioned to write a high-stakes script to potentially write Romana out, as Graham Williams had developed a headache trying to work out which romana was which. The script eventually made it to the rehearsal stage, with John Nathan-Turner now showrunner, who was appalled at the inaccurate meaning of the word guff used in the script and vetoed it on the spot. Bidmead was devastated and nearly commited suicide by train station, but was soon offered the chance to rewrite the script, which he graciously accepted.

Legacy
An Unearthly Guff The Guffleks The Edge of Guff Marco Guffo The Keys of Guffinus The Gufftecs The Gufforites The Reign of Guff Planet of Guff The Guff Invasion of Earth The Guff The Guffmans The Guff Planet The Guffsade The Guff Museum The Guff The Guff Meddler Guff 4 Mission to the Guff The Guff Makers The Dalek's Guff Plan The Massacre of Saint Guff's Eve The Guff The Celestial Guffmaker The Gufffighters The Guffages The Guff Machines The Gufflers The Guff Planet The Power of the Guff The Gufflanders The Underwater Guff The Guffbase The Guff Terror The Guffless Ones The Evil of the Guff The Tomb of the Guff The Abominable Guff The Guff Warriors The Enemy of the Guff The Web of Guff Guff from the Deep The Guff in Space The Guffinators The Guff Robber The Guffvasion The Gufftons The Seeds of Guff The Guff Pirates The Guff Games Spearhead from Guff Doctor Who and the Gufflurians The Ambassadors of Guff Gufferno Guff of the Autons The Mind of Guff The Claws of Guff Guff in Space The Guffmons Day of the Guff The Curse of Guff The Guff Devils The Gufftants The Guff Monster The Guff Doctors Carnival of Guff Guff in Space Planet of the Guff The Green Guff The Time Guff Invasion of the Guff Death to the Guff Guff of the Spiders Guffbot The Guff in Space The Guff Experiment Genesis of the Guff Revenge of the Guff Guff of the Zygons Guff of Evil Pyramids of Guff The Guffdroid Invasion The Guff of Morbius The Seeds of Guff The Masque of Guff The Guff of Fear The Deadly Guff The Face of Guff The Guffbots of Death The Guff of Weng-Chiang Horror of Guff Rock The Invisible Guff Image of the Guff The Guff Makers Guffworld The Guff of Time The Guff Operations The Pirate Guff The Stones of Guff The Androids of Guff The Power of Guff The Guff Factor Guff of the Daleks City of Guff The Guff from the Pit Nightmare of Guff The Guff of Nimon Guffda The Guff Hive Gufflos Guff Circle Guff of Decay Warrior's Guff The Keeper of Guff Guffopolis Gufftrovalva Four to Guff Guffda The Guffitation Black Guff Guffshock Guff-Flight Guff of Infinity Guffdance Guff Undead Termiguff Gufflightenment The King's Guff The Five Guff Warriors of the Guff The Guffwakening Guffios Resurrection of the Guff Guff of Fire The Caves of Guff The Guff Dilemma Attack of the Guff Guff on Varos The Mark of the Guff The Two Guff Gufflash Revelation of the Guff The Mysterious Guff Guffwarp Terror of the Guff The Guff Foe Guff and the Rani Guff Towers Delta and the Guffmen Dragonguff Remembrance of the Guff The Guff Patrol Silver Guff The Greatest Guff in the Galaxy Battleguff Guff Light The Guff of Fenric Guffvival Doctor Who: The Guff Movie Guff The End of the Guff The Unquiet Guff Guff of London Guff War Three Gufflek The Guff Game Father's Guff The Guff Child The Doctor Guffs Guff Town Guff Wolf The Parting of the Guff The Christmas Guff New Guff Tooth and Guff Guff Reunion The Guff in the Fireplace Rise of the Guff The Age of Guff The Idiot's Guff The Impossible Guff The Satan Guff Guff & Monsters Fear Guff Army of Guff Guffday The Guff Bride Guff and Jones The Shakespeare Guff Gufflock Guff in Manhattan Evolution of the Guff The Lazarus Guff Forty-Guff Human Guff Family of Guff Guff Gufftopia The Sound of Guff The Last of the Guff Lords Voyage of the Guff Partners in Guff The Guff of Pompeii Guff of the Ood The Guff Stratagem The Poison Guff The Doctor's Guff The Unicorn and the Guff Guff in the Library Forest of the Guff Guffnight Turn Guff The Stolen Guff Guff's End The Next Guff Guff of the Dead The Guff of Mars The End of Guff The Guff Hour The Guff Below Victory of the Guff The Time of Guff Flesh and Guff The Vampires of Guff Amy's Guff The Hungry Guff Cold Guff Vincent and the Guff The Guffer The Guff Opens The Guff Bang A Christmas Guff The Guff Astronaut Guff of the Moon The Curse of the Black Guff The Guff's Wife The Rebel Guff The Guff People A Guff Man goes to War Let's Guff Hitler Guff Terrors The Girl Who Guffed The Guff Complex Guff Time The Guff of River Song The Doctor, the Widow and the Guff Asylum of the Guff Guff on a Spaceship A Town Called Guff The Power of Guff The Guff Takes Manhattan The Guffmen The Bells of Saint Guff The Guff of Akhaten Cold Guff Guff Journey to the Centre of the Guff The Crimson Guff Nightmare in Guff The Name of the Guff The Night of the Guff The Day of the Guff The Time of the Guff Deep Guff Into Guff The Guffbot of Sherwood Guff Guff Heist The Gufftaker Kill the Guff Guff on the Orient Express Guffline In the Guff of the Night Dark Guff Guff in Heaven Guff Christmas The Magician's Guff The Witch's Guff Under the Guff Before the Guff The Girl Who Guffed The Woman Who Guffed The Zygon Guff The Guff Inversion Guff No More Face the Guff Guff Sent Guff Bent The Husbands of Guff The Return of Doctor Guff The Guff Guff Guff Ice Guff Guff Oxyguff Gufftremis The Guff at the End of the World The Guff of the Land Empress of Guff The Eaters of Guff World Enough and Guff The Doctor Guffs Twice Upon a Guff The Woman Who Guffed to Earth The Guff Monument Guffa Guff in the UK The Guff Conundrum Demons of the Guff Guffblam! The Guffinders It Guff You Away The Battle of Guffkor Av Kolos Guffolution Guffall Guff 55 Nicola Tesla's Night of Guff Guff of the Judoon Guffeus Can You Guff Me? The Haunting of Villa Guff Guff of the Cybermen The Guff Child Revolution of the Guff